The Best and the Worst

There are so many great things throughout each day that I enjoy, but the part I look forward to most  right now is holding Kate!  Although this is the Best part of my day it also brings the Worst anxiety for me.  I wish holding her was as simple as that- just holding her. I sit down (about a yard) away from her bed in a chair.  It takes two people(the nurse and respiratory therapist) to lift her out of her bed and bring her to me, because of all the cords and tubes.  It's the same to put her back in the incubator also. Such a complicated process just to hold her.  Each day I go up now I can hold her as long as her vital signs are good.  Some days this is 15 min. and other days it is over an hour.  I love to hold her and it warms my heart.  It's also very good for her. It is supposed to help her develop/grow better and come home quicker.  But at the same time- I sit and watch the monitor with an intensity that makes my heart sink and adrenaline rush every time her oxygen saturation drops or she has breathing apnea's.  It is still hard for her to manage her breathing when being held, at times she does so well her oxygen saturation needs to be lowered.  At other times she becomes so calm that she forgets to breathe or she gets weak and tired. Her oxygen needs to be turned up quite high and she has to be put back in her incubator. 

 Kate's Fantastic babysitters- Reggie the Respiratory Therapist & Becca, one of her Primary Nurses

Prepping Kate for the Hand-Off by gathering all her tubes and cords.

I remember there was one time I was holding Kam and he had a bradycardia(brady-heart rate drops) and he quit breathing(apnea).  He turned a bit blue and it really scared me!  The nurse was right there and rubbed his back and moved him around to stimulate him to breath again on his own.  Most preemies have bradys and apneas, so it shouldn't have scared me so bad-but it was one of the most terrible feelings. 

With Kate I've tried to prepare myself if that happens.  She has had a few apneas in the last 5 weeks, but rarely has she had any bradys.  Mostly, she just has periodic breathing which is when she stops breathing for about 5-10 seconds, if it goes 20 seconds or longer it is considered an apnea.   Today while I was holding her she had an apnea and then it turned into a severe brady.  I'm pretty sure I had a brady too- because it scared me to see her drop so low and hear the alarms squeal!  I realize now that feeling your babies body go limp as her chest refuses to rise and fall with each breath is never something I can prepare myself for-even if it's only for 20 seconds.  It makes everything all too real that modern technology and medicine is what has kept my baby alive.  I am so grateful for these machines- but at the same time I am beginning to hate the monitor.  I hate watching the numbers drop and rise.  I hate that I watch it more than my baby.  I hate that it dictates how long I hold her.  I hate that I just can't hold, enjoy, and cuddle her without so much worry!  (I obviously have some anger issues tonight:)

 

THE MONITOR

The green top line is her heart rate.

The blue second line is her oxygen saturation (this is the # that swings a lot.)

The bottom white line is her respiratory rate.  This will show if she is having apneas and periodic breathing. 

The lights at the top of the screen are alarms that go along with a beep or a squeal depending on the severity variance of the vital signs.  The NICU is filled with the constant beepings from one baby to another.  The nurses say they dream Beeps.