Have Faith, Not Fear

One of the lessons I learned 8 yrs. ago when I had Kam was to Have Faith and Not Fear.  This was a hard lesson learned because I didn't actually learn it until towards the end of Kam's hospital stay. I had felt that I was trying to deal with him being a preemie all on my own.  I felt very unsure of the faith I had.   I felt like faith was knowing that he would be ok- and I never got that confirmation.  Almost every day he was in the NICU I feared the worst. I was a wreck.  At the end of his hospital stay I had an experience that I knew without a doubt that my Father in Heaven had been carrying me through this trial (like the poem "Footprints in the Sand") and that he knew exactly what emotions and difficulties I was having.  I had never experienced this feeling before.  I felt that I was wrapped up in a blanket of love, warmth, comfort, and peace- that he was right there by my side.
I learned at this point that this trial wasn't about having enough faith that I would be told everything would be ok.  It was about having the faith that everything was in Heavenly Father's hands and that I need not fear the outcomes.  This is HIS plan, not mine- everything will work out according to his will.  He will help us through it, if we let him.  He knows that we will be strengthened from and be able to handle whatever it is he has in store for us. 
 
Now that I'm back in this situation again- I know I'm being tested to see, if I still believe this.  It's definitely a lot easier said than done! I tend to prod the miracle workers in the NICU about how they've seen other 25 week babies do.  I'm always eager to ask how they think my baby is doing and what her future has in store for her.  I wish I had a crystal ball that would reveal for her what lies ahead.  I would give most anything to know that Kate is going to pass this test with flying colors and that she will come home perfectly healthy in 4 months.  I have hope and I can pray for this. I believe faith is also praying for and receiving miracles, but I know that this doesn't always happen.  We might not have the outcomes we desire.  Every time I'm hit with fear or it starts creeping in I pray for the faith-for the understanding- that Kate is in the Lord's hands and he will take care of her for me, he will oversee that his will is going to be carried out one way or the other. 
Faith is the opposite of fear- they cannot coincide together.  This would not be a trial if, if I could see the ending in sight.  This is a test of our spirits.  We are given trials to strengthen us through our faith in the plan of salvation.