How are you?

The common, everyday, small talk question- "How are you?"  This is a question many of us rarely think about, but ask often and in return get a very general response.  Pretty much a meaningless question, because rarely is anyone ever very honest about how they are REALLY doing. 

This past month- I have been touched by how many people are truly, genuinely concerned not just about Kate, but about me.  I have so many wonderful friends and family that ask, "Really-how are you?"   Often times it's easiest to say- "I'm good, just trying to pass the time and let Kate bake in the NICU for a few months." But in reality, there's not a day that goes by that it's easy to "just let her bake."  To be honest though- most days I am OK.  There are even a few days I surprise myself and actually feel pretty good about everything.   I'm so busy with my 5 kids at home, I don't have time to think much. It's the times when I slow down- like in the evenings when the kids are in bed, throughout the day when I am spending time with my new Best Friend the PUMP, or when I am driving to the hospital that I have my quiet moments-those are the times when reality sets in and it's emotionally hard.  Most days those moments only last about 46 seconds.  I shed a couple tears, or get a hug and pep talk from Josh and then I am able to redirect my thoughts and keep going.  It also amazes me that when I have those moments-someone is inspired to send me a text, give me a call, or show up on my doorstep.  Just knowing that others are still thinking about, praying for, and offering to help gives me strength.  I have found it is easier to TRY and stay strong and carry on than it is to let weakness take over and not do anything. 

Not everyday is like this though- there has been just a few days when sadness surrounds me and there is not a thing I can do to rid myself of it.  It doesn't matter whether I am out and about or at home- tears are constantly on the brim of becoming a water faucet.  If someone so much as looks at me the tears are triggered- even worse if they hug me I break down into a sob. The good thing is I always know when I wake up the next day I will feel better and it's a fresh start.  I have a 100% survival rate so far for bad days. Today was one of those days..... but I can only write about it tonight because I know tomorrow I'll be OK again.