#1 Mr. Mom

I've thought about doing this post for weeks now, but I don't feel like I can express in words how amazing Josh is.  But I think it's time I give it a try... 

 Josh and I have always had a great relationship.  We have worked well together as husband and wife.  We have worked hard together to raise our beautiful children.  We have worked and worked and worked to make things work.  13 years and so far everything has worked.  For the last 60 days, Josh has done most of the work by himself.  If I could give out world-wide awards, I would give him the award for "World's #1 Mr. Mom". 

This trial has brought Josh and I closer than we have ever been before.  We are stronger together.  We lift each other.  We help endure the bad days as one.  We amaze each other with our strengths and support each other in our weaknesses. 

My 4 yr. old daughters favorite song is- "The Wise Man Built His House Upon A Rock."  This is the song she wants me to sing to her every night when I tuck her in to bed.  This song is ultimately about our Savior and following gospel principles.  If we do our best to be Christ like and make good choices in our life that we will be watched over and protected by the Lord. We have tried to establish our marriage and life based upon this.  We try to do our best and live Christ like lives- but we definitely have much to improve on.  We have tried to build our house upon The Rock. 
Years ago, one of my good friends pointed out to me that just because the wise man built his house upon the rock doesn't mean he won't experience rain and floods.  The rain falls on all- but if we are on the rock- our house will stand still.  We will be able to survive the rain and floods because of the knowledge we have and the help of our Father in Heaven.

Not only is the Lord my Rock, but Josh is also.  Even though this is a trial that affects us both- he seems unscathed by it- he has the strength that carries both of us.  He is the one that makes me feel safe.  He is my cushion to cry upon.  He calms me and helps me to know that we can make it through this.  Day after day he has held our house on the rock through all this rain.  After work he often times comes home to a wreck- whether it be our house, me in tears, or the chaos of our kids (sometimes all of this at once:).  He has been so good to me and never gets mad that I don't have it all together.  He has put me on a pedestal and does whatever he can to make things better.  Instead of asking what's for dinner, he asks what he should make for dinner.  Instead of asking what I've been doing all day..., he asks if I had a chance to take a nap and tells me if I didn't, I should. 

Most days we are running in different directions.  When he walks in the door, I am walking out the door to go see Kate.  I feel that he lets me have the easy part in all this.  I have a quiet drive and get to hold our sweet baby.   He stays home with 5 kids, a messy house, homework, and no dinner.  The #1 Mr. Mom award goes out to him because when I walk back in the door he has all the kids in bed asleep by 8:30, the house is clean, they have all had dinner, piles of laundry have been washed, folded, put away, and (for the most part) their homework is done.  I've got to hand it to him- he does more than I am ever able to accomplish in that amount of time!  He is AMAZING!!  It's sad to admit it, but he runs the house much better than I. He is Mr. Mom.  He has shown me how much he loves our kids- he has also grown closer to them!  I know how much he truly loves me, by all that he does for me.  Day in and day out he does everything he can to lift all of my burdens.  On days that I have been grouchy for no apparent reason- he just hugs me and doesn't ever grouch back at me.  Words can't express how much I love him and how grateful I am for him!  He is more than just my best friend. He is my Rock. He has held our house upon The Rock. 

 I am so blessed to have him as my Husband!!!

A Step out of Reality

On Tuesday, my sister-Jackie, invited me to go up the canyon with her and her kids to look at fall leaves.  They don't get to enjoy fall because they live in Arizona. Truthfully, I haven't even noticed if the leaves are changing here.  Usually- fall is one of my favorite seasons with all vibrant colors of the leaves, the mild chill in the air, the warm sweaters and stylish boots that come out of the closet, the sweet smells of the holidays, pumpkins everywhere, and all the pumpkin treats, cookies, and cakes!  As I talked to Jackie on the phone and looked around at my house, knowing all the things that needed to be done, I mentally threw my "To Do" list in the garbage and decided to go.  It has honestly been since August 13th that I have done something for myself and my kids to get out and enjoy life.  We took a break- a step out of reality- and went up Bear Canyon to see some fall leaves.  It felt so good to be out and enjoy the nature and some fresh air.  My girls had a blast (my boys were in school). 

Find Joy in the Journey!

 

October 10th

Today I went in the morning to see Kate at her 10:00 am care.  We had a great time together.  Holding her today was one of the first times that she didn't have a real hard time with swinging and her keeping her vital signs stable.  My nerves were able to stay calm- she did so well!  She is starting to finally feel and look so much more like a healthy baby.  She doesn't have the look she started out with like a newborn scrawny baby bird. 

The nurses always have her dressed in clothes now.  I took home my first bag of dirty clothes to wash today for her.  Although I hate laundry and already have more than plenty to do, I am excited to do hers because it makes me feel a little more like her mom. 

She had a good, stable day.  Her oxygen flow settings were left alone.  Her Potassium was stopped.  Calcium and Phosphorous were added to her feedings as part of her fortifier.  More labs will be drawn on Monday to look at her nutritional needs, blood gas for oxygen, and also to check her hemoglobin. 

Kate weighed 3.3 lbs tonight at 1450 grams.  1500 grams is considered a turning point for preemie babies.  They are no longer considered micro-preemies, they are more stable, they can be moved to a big girl/boy bed (out of the incubator), their water bed is changed to a normal bed. Sometimes the bed change is held off until they are 1800 grams-just because it's not necessary.   Kate is the Binky queen- I have been told she is the best 25 week Binky sucker that has come through the NICU.  This is hopefully a good sign that when it is time to feed her she will figure it out quick. 

My sister, Jackie, from Arizona is in town this week for my cousin Nikki's wedding.  She came to see Kate on Tuesday with me.  I gave Kate a bath and Jackie was able to hold her through her feeding.  Kate was very alert.  She opened her eyes a lot and seemed to be focusing on Jackie.

 

  

October 9th

Josh's hand on Kate.

She's getting chubby cheeks:)

Kate hit 3 lbs. today!!!  The doctor tried to wean her down on her oxygen flow to a 5 today again and she didn't tolerate it.  She gets too many bradys and apneas when they try this.  She's pretty stable on a flow of 6, but still needs more time to get stronger to handle any less. Her caffeine has been increased to help her bradys and apneas.  Protein has been added to her milk and she has tolerated it well so far.  Her iron has been increased, because her hemoglobin is dropping and she may have to have another blood transfusion if her body doesn't start to make it soon. 

1/3 of the way

6 weeks old!  Hurray- 1/3 of the way!  Kate has gained a whole pound.  She's now just barely over 2.10 lbs.  Kam weighed 2.11 lbs. when he was born at 28 weeks and he was considered big for his age.  Kate is now at 31 weeks, if I had stayed pregnant.

Kam was born at 2.11 lbs. at 28 weeks.

Kate is 2.10 lbs. at 31 weeks

  Kate is still cruising- she was moved from the CPAP to the Hi-Flow nasal cannula.  All new things to learn about and settings.  No more PEEP and PIP to confuse me.  It's a lot more basic than the big machines she's been on.  Right now Kate's on an oxygen flow of 6, but they want to reduce her to a 5.  The last two nights she's been turned down to a 5, but she had a hard time breathing.  She needs a little more time.  Today she had a few brady's, which isn't very common for her, but still pretty typical for a preemie.

 

She's doing great on her feedings.  She's had more vitamins, and iron added in and she's tolerating them well.  She's being weaned from the hydrocortisone and the sodium chloride.  The eye doctor looked at her eyes yesterday and so far they look good.  It's a common thing for micro-preemie babies to get ROP which is when their eyes have been damaged from too much oxygen. She will continue to have her eyes checked once a week for this. 

We took the kids up to see Kate on Sunday.  They had the best surprise- the nurse let them each hold Kate for just a few minutes.  They loved it!  Kinnli was by far the most excited.  Kaden was very nervous.  Kale's my dare devil and the first to say he wanted to.  And seeing Kam hold Kate brought a tear to my eye- from one preemie to another.  Kennadi can't go in to see Kate because she's too young.  At home I have pictures of Kate on our entry table and Kennadi takes the pictures down several times a day and kisses them.  I know- she knows Kate! 

 Kale

 

Kate is going to have some pretty protective brothers!

 

 Kam

 Kaden

 

Kinnli told me the other day she wanted to be just like me.  I asked her why and she said because she wanted to be able to change Kate's diapers too:)

A New Normal

What is NORMAL?  I used to believe there was a standard normal.  As I've married and had kids, my eyes have been opened to the fact that there really is no such thing as normal.  There is not a family that is normal, there is not a person that is normal.  Everyone and every situation is so unique.  No person or family can be compared to another to define normal.  One person's normal is different from another person's normal.  Normal is not the perfect status quo of what we are all striving to be like.  We CREATE our own Normal. I believe Normal is a lifestyle in which each person/family can, or at least tries to, accomplish things they feel are important. 

The other day I was talking with a good friend about some trials she had been through during the last couple years.  She said she missed how her life used to be- NORMAL.  She told me she had come to a new realization that her idea of Normal now had to be changed.  She needed to find a new Normal for her family.  This really hit me that I needed to find a temporary New Normal for our family too.  Our lifestyle has changed and will continue to be different for at least the next 3 months. 

Our new Normal is mostly a time constraint- the time has been re-assigned to more important priorities.  We often think "We just don't have time" to do this or that, but when trials hit- time is redefined!  Priorities become clear- God, Family, and Friends(Humanity) matter most. 
Everything we use to do has been re-evaluated.  My 4 hrs. per day spent pumping for Kate is the most important thing I can do for her right now.  My hour and a half spent on the road to go see her is another.  I have simplified what my kids are involved in.  I have focused on the quality of activities we do as a family.  I'm doing my best to be a mother to my kids at home and to Kate in the NICU at the same time.    It is hard not to feel the guilt of being split between the two places I need to be. Our new Normal is going to be finding the balance between the two. 
 

Headless Chicken

When I was little my dad raised a few chickens for meat.  I remember the gruesome process of killing them.  The chickens head was laid on the chopping block and with the quick swing of an axe it was cut off in a matter of seconds.  This wasn't the surprising part- the chicken's body that continued to run around in circles was.  This week I feel like one of those chickens!  I can honestly say I'm doing pretty good with everything- emotionally and physically- but mentally that's a different story.  I'm not feeling the balance AT ALL-I am feeling the circles! It feels like I've lost my head- or at least my brain.

It feels like I wake up and do a repeat of survival everyday.  It feels like the show "Groundhog Day" that came out in 1993.  The actor Bill Murray is a weather man that wakes up on Groundhog Day over and over and over and over again until he makes some changes and figures out what is most important in his life.   I'm slowly learning to prioritize and make my time count as much as I can.  Hopefully, I'll figure it out by the end of this journey.  I think I have simplified almost everything that I possibly can.  My focus is on my family and my religion.  We aren't involved in extracurricular activities- the sports and the dance have went to the wayside for now.  Even without the kids busy schedules- we aren't pulling the normal.  Some of the things we value most- are still so hard to accomplish.  The family dinners have become mostly "Serve Yourself".  More than not it consists of cereal, frozen burritos, or Ramen (it's not so much the food that counts, but the time spent at the table talking and that part isn't happening.)  Homework that we used to get finished after school gets dragged into the evening hours and sometimes postponed until the next day- or longer....(that's painful to say, since I'm a teacher:)  Family time is rare, because usually either Josh or I am gone. It just feels like we are running in too many different directions!  I often get the song by Alabama stuck in my head, "I'm in a hurry to get things done, Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun."  Time is such a valuable asset in our lives- it's important to make the most of every minute.  It's sad to say I still haven't figured out how to do that yet. 

I haven't posted for a few days because I've been spending a lot of time this week doing preschool prep that should've been done in August (when I was on bed rest in the hospital).  I always feel like I'm playing catch up.  I've come to the realization that I can't do preschool on my own.  I've asked a friend for help teaching my 3 yr. old class.  She taught one of my boys preschool about 4 yrs. ago.  She has been an angel to jump right on it, and help me out so much already.  Asking for help was a hard decision to make.  I REALLY wanted to be able to do all that I needed to do on my own.  I guess there is a time for proving ourselves and there is also a time to be humbled and succumb to help.  I can't run faster than my legs will carry me!